Grief (1)

My mom passed away last year on July 2025. But I have mixed griefs and mixed feelings.....

My mom had parkinson since around 2012, at least that's the time she was diagnosed. Her first symptoms were slow movements and a bit rigid body movements. Parkinson can't be healed, it's worsen overtime and the treatment can only slows down the degeneration process. In some cases, it can be treated with neurosurgery on the head, but it's not possible in my mom's case. Since I'm the only child, I have always been the one to take her to doctor appointments, pay the doctor bills (since around 2016, before it was my dad, but his shop business income was declining, so I took over the responsibility), and occasionally being her caregiver. She lives in my hometown with my dad and a maid/caregiver too, while I live in Surabaya.

When I was younger and have a great income from my freelance work (I work from home), it's okay. But when the money is tight, it felt heavier. Her monthly medicine alone had been increasing from around 2,5 million rupiahs to almost 4 million rupiahs a month. Around mid 2022, a friend just told me that parkinson was covered by BPJS (the government insurance), so it's a huge relief. BPJS monthly insurance premium is 150 thousand rupiahs per person. Since 2020 I paid for all three of us (my dad, mom, and me). 

Within the last few years, my mom got admitted to hospital a few times, because her body is getting weaker and she gradually have difficulties to maintain her balance and move freely. And the hospital visits were no longer just to neurologist, but also ophthalmologist (she had 1x catarac surgery) and also bone doctor (she fell a few times, and broke her hip bone, first his right hip). There were times when I became her caregiver (either she stayed with me in Surabaya or I came and stay for a while in my hometown) and I felt tired both mentally and physically. I'm sure it's a common feeling for caregivers... But it's also a very lonely feeling. Because you can see your friends have a "normal" life, can have fun, have a healthy parents, have a vacation... But you are the only one isolated and chained. 

Last year, she broke her left hip bone and got a surgery. I had to pay additional 30 million rupiah for a better quality hip replacement. After she came home, the next week was my dad's HNP surgery. For 2 weeks straight, everyday, I went to 2 different hospitals, first my mom, and second my dad. Not to mention the hospital visits before the surgery for check up etc. There was a time when I resent God, feel like God wasn't fair and might want me to be miserable, because I was just so tired of juggling everything by myself, mentally and physically.

But, at the end, before the surgeries, I made my peace. I also prayed with my mom for her surgery and my dad's surgery, and for the future of our family (plan to move them to Surabaya). I thought, maybe this (being a caregiver) was my destiny / calling... and I need to surrender and accept all of this... doing everything as best as I can... If this is the path I should be going through moving forward, I need to accept this peacefully, and push away all the lingering hopes or wishes of my own.

During the first week after my mom's surgery, I went everyday to the hospital, and when she got out, she came home here with me for recovery. The next week, my dad's surgery, I also went back and forth everyday, total lack of sleep because I also have to check on my mom's diaper during the night (the surgery scar's bandage on her hip area can't get wet, so the diaper need to be changed more often to prevent leakage).

Then, at the end of the second week, on Sunday night, when my dad got out of hospital and went home here, some of their friends visiting. All looks great, I'm relieved that now both of my parent's surgeries are done and what's left were recovery and doctor's check ups. The next day, Monday morning, there was nothing out of ordinary. My mom was learning to walk again after 2 weeks on bed, and I got out to the supermarket to buy rice. When I went home, I saw my mom's back, she was sitting on her wheelchair, and her head is leaning back. Sometimes she did that involuntarily, so as usual, I gently pushed her head toward the front, but something's not right, she was lifeless... I panicked and called her name, moving her arm, there was very faint pulse, but it got weaker until it stopped. It all happened so fast.

So, what I thought would be like 1 day break (because Tuesday/the next day was her schedule for post-surgery check up to the hospital), turned into something else... The neighbor (my dad's friend who also visited last night) helped me, calling the nearest Puskesmas to have some people came to confirm the death, recommended Bagus, and then a cousin accompanied me to manage the Adiyasa and Bagus for the funeral process. It's all felt so surreal and so rushed.

The next 3 days were back and forth trip to Adiyasa everyday, of course tired and lack of sleep. My dad wasn't even got the chance to rest after his HNP surgery because of that.

To make this post shorter, after that there was no clear break too... I still have to get my dad checked up to doctor and hospital, and then when everything calmed down, my dad went back to my hometown, during few months, it's a mixed feeling, but mostly of course, it's down... There were times when I feel nothing, trying to get busy again with my work, and there were times when I cried... but there were also times when I thought this might be God's way for my mom to stop suffering and for me to get a breather.... 

I'm not saying that I only saw my mom as a burden or responsibility, because she was close to me and understand me better than anyone else... During her healthy years back (and when I way way much younger), we often shop together, walk together... But the last few years had been kind of heavy for me and she knew it. I was never able to hide anything from her. She never demanded anything.... It was just the fact that I'm a single child and the only one who just had to take responsibilities on my own.

I don't have an exact name for these mixed feelings... This was the first time I experienced this kind of grief...

>>> Part 2